Finding a Mate on the Pony Express

Last night, the Pony across the zoo invited me over to her place to watch March Of The Penguins. I was excited. I hadn't actually seen it or anything, but I've often thought about what it would be like to watch it.
Anyways, I wanted to go really bad, but that walk is kinda long.
So she came over and let me ride her back to the stables.

There I was, the wind rushing through my coarse Panda body hair. It was exhilarating. My hands grappling her straps, the rocking to and fro of the gallop. Mmmmm...
I was ready for the movie.

When we got to her place, it was still kind of early. So we compared tattoes for a while (because we just live like that!).
She has a moon and stars on the small of her back. I, of course, have the cover of The Scarlet Letter (Bantam Classic version) branded on my left breast.

So we're sitting there, showing our art. Then, all of a sudden, the nosy Rhino neighbor peaked his head through the window, "I'm into body art too, guys. Look at these scars!"
And I said, "Whoa, I think you're looking for the battered women's club next door."

We had a giggle, then we finally watched the movie. It was fabulous.
Then we talked again.

"Don't you wish you could go back and make love with everyone you've ever made love with, just to show them how good you've gotten?" I asked.
She said, "Oh sure, definitely."
Ya know, stuff like that.
But then it got awkward. We started looking at each other like that.
Next thing I knew, we'd taken a trip to the "petting zoo"...

The next morning, we had one of those magical moments you see in Sandra Bullock movies. We woke up next to each other and watched the sun creep through the hay from the back of her stable. Magical.....

Anyways, it was right then, that she turned to me and nervously whispered, "You've gotta go. I'll ride ya home, but you just can't be here now."
I was confused, but I had fun anyway. I'd been wooed by a Pony, and I really liked it.

And, ya know what else, I discovered something:
The good thing about dating a pony is that you'll always have a ride home.

There's an Elephant in the Room (and It's called Love)

Yesterday was exciting. I invited the new African Elephant over for drinks. They just brought him in last week, and I heard he's really intelligent. So I had to prepare.
First thing I did was pick up the thickest book I owned. But I got sick of that quick. So I decided to just get in the shower. I could at least look fantastic, right?

Anyway, so there I am taking my normal 40 minute shower, and I hear someone yelling at the door. So I stepped out and found 6 of the angriest zebras you'll ever see, glaring at me.

"Gawd Pee Pee, you take so long in the shower! It only takes us a few minutes," one of them said.
I was appalled (for a number of reasons). So I said, "That's because I've got parts people actually want washed!"

And that shut them up fast. That is until I had to tell them I'd used up all the hot water. I knew they'd be mad. I felt like Chuck Woolery telling the crowd to wait till next week to see how the last date turned out.

"Guys, I used up all the hot water," I said quietly.
"Pee Pee, you're such a jerk!" they yelled.
"The hell with you, man! I think I'm worth it!" I cried back.
And with that I stormed out of the bathroom and got ready for my date.

Well, it wasn't really a date- but we drank, talked, and awkwardly made out- so I guess it kind of was.
Anyway, so there we were drinking boxed wine, and we start talking about Love. He immediately went into this rage saying, "Love is just a bunch of chemicals in the brain shooting signals to the rest of the body. It's a neuro-chemical con job, man."
And I thought, "Looks like somebody's been rejected once or twice."

But I thought he was cute.
So anyway, a few Franzias later, I thought things were going well enough, so I came out and asked him if he believed in God. He said, "I think God could be anything, man. He could be, like, a cloud in the sky."

I was impressed. "That's deeper than an existentialist philosopher reciting poetry at the bottom of an ocean," I joked.

And then I leaned in to kiss him, and he sprayed me with water. Because he's an elephant.

Blink and You'll Miss the White People Dancing

Last night, a girl friend asked me to go to the Blink 182 show. And, of course, I was like, "Ya sure! I've been into those guys since, like, January!"
The show was at 9, but she came by early-ish, so we could go dancing first.

We went down to the Local Yacht Club, one of the most exclusive clubs in town. But, I have to say, we were kind of bored. Nobody was dancing or anything...until somebody put on Journey...then Bon Jovi. And, as we found out, nothing gets middle-aged men dancing (and singing in muted shouts) like Jovi and Journey.

Right about then though, the bomb dropped. We started talking men. My friend ran into my old flame the other day. And she thinks he's cute (gag!) I was instantly upset. I hate to admit it, but that boy affects my mood faster than the fruit punch at a rave party.
So I told her the type of woman he goes for is like a stale danish: They look delicious, but they're dry and flaky on the inside.

"Really? Well I think he's kind of dumb anyway," she said.
"Ya, he's a real 'mouth-breather'," I responded.

We never made it to the show...

Orlando Bloom is the Most Romantic Place in the World

The other day, I was taking a long, hot bath- when I heard a knock at the door. So, wearing a suit fit for a birthday, I got out of the bath...
Ugh. It was just the trainer coming by to clean the cage again. Gawd, what a drag. I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but he's so old. And bald. God he's bald. It's, like, his once bustling city of Hair has become a wasteland of empty streets and burned out buildings. Seems everyone in town ran for the suburbs of his Neck, Ears, and Back- if ya get my drift.

Anyway, so he's in there cleaning, and all of a sudden he starts getting strange. Like, he was saying that, "France is home to the most romantic place to fall in love in the world."
And I said, "Really? There's an Olive Garden with a jukebox in France?"

Right when I said that, he dropped my framed copy of Orlando Bloom's birth certificate. It was ruined!
I told him to get out. He'd done enough already.

Point being: I don't like change. It's too different.

How to Body Slam Aliens

The other day, all the zoo animals had to go to a day-long motivational seminar, Grapple with Success: Body-Slamming Your Depression with Killer Ken. He spent the day teaching us how to wrestle with our feelings of self-doubt and rejection, by smashing them down with the folding chairs of rigorous daily routine. Let's just say after that, we needed a break.

So me and some friends went down to Ruby Tuesdays for happy hour. It started out fun. We drank Wacky Watermelon Martinis with a bunch of secretaries we met at the bar. Things were going well, until my friend became a real Chatty Kathy.

After a few drinks in, she started going on about how she wanted to go to space someday to meet aliens. She went on, and on, and on, and (wait a second- I'm boring you with the story that bored me.)
Anyway, she kept saying things like, "They're out there, guys" and "Think about how cool it'd be to meet strange new people from outer space. You'll be sorry if I'm right!"

I said, "Ya I'll be sorry. Ya know what? How bout you go ask the Indian dealing cards at the casino how much he likes meeting 'strange new people' from faraway places." And I yelled "Haaaay!" and slapped fives with the secretaries.

Then I went home to my parent's cage. Because that's where I live.

Beauty's only Skin Deep When you Date a Man

The other night, me and a girl friend were chatting, and she mentioned that her gay friend thought I was cute. I said, "Well the 'parts' may fit funny, but I'll take all the attention I can get."
So I agreed to meet him.
*Fast forward to next night:

We sat down for dinner and things started well. He told me he was into everything but country, and I told him I was into nothing but country (Toby Keith: "My Love Is Like A Cross Burning For You" Tour 2006!!!). But we hit it off anyway.

So there we were, having a good time, and I thought he looked like a guy into altered states of consciousness, so I invited him back to my place for cocktails. That's when things went bad.

He said no to the drinks because he "had to get up early tomorrow." I was crushed. I felt sadder than the dreams of a drunken mill worker at a NASCAR race. I started drinking everything in sight. I was, like, so gone. And before I knew it, I'd turned into The Beholder- everyone became beautiful in my eyes...

I woke up the next day being felt up by a trucker with a face tattoo. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd like to have a family some day.

Crime Only Pays When You Steal (Crappy Weekend in Jersey)

Last weekend, I stayed with a friend of mine in New Jersey, and I discovered something: Half of every stretch of grass in Jersey is covered in dog shit. The first day there I looked at the ground and thought we'd been hit with a turd storm overnight. Like some kind of poo Nor'easter. "Batten down the windows, here comes a shit storm!"

But anyway, it was a good weekend. We exchanged gifts: I gave him a book (Lost Credibility- When the Joke Becomes the Truth: The Confessions of a converted Phil Collins fan) and he gave me a cd (Pickin' on Gravity: A Banjo tribute to the Theory of Relativity). Then we played a game we always played as kids, "How Would You Do It??"

The topic was bank robbery. He said he'd rob a bank on a holiday, and that he'd make sure to wear feety pajamas "because you can hide the money in your feet". And I said, "Ya, then all you need is a balloon, a Hello Kitty t-shirt, and an oversized lollipop and you can plead insanity when they catch you."

Then it was my turn. And I told him what I've told everyone who's asked me how I'd commit a crime: Gimme a gun, an alibi, and a Navajo sidekick with a helicopter, and I'll get the job done.

Valentine's Day with Nick Olds: He's a STuD

The other night, I invited some friends over for my annual Valentine's Day performance of the hit film You've Got Mail. And no one was left unmoved! Except Nick Olds- who showed up late. Missed the whole show.
When he finally got there, he didn't even notice me. I felt less watched than a UPN sitcom star.

After a while he came over and we talked. Next thing I knew, we were fooling around again. But this time, things got strange. Lines were crossed and laws were broken. It was like Ted Danson doing "blackface" in there.....

When I woke up the next morning, I had red marks on my neck and what looked to be chlamydia.

Happy VD-Day to me <3

Do Intellectuals Pee Standing Up? (Enjoying your Weekends)

Saturday night I dropped by my friend's place for a little get-together. As soon as I walked in, I saw a bunch of thrift store jackets- boredom was close, I could feel it. Sure enough, there they were, talking about books on a Saturday night. So I was all like, "Whoa, books huh? Don't all jump on the bland wagon at the same time!"
They all stopped for a second- then went right back to comparing their favorite books (Translation= the intellectual's equivalent of a bathroom "sword fight").

I was immediately restless, and I didn't wanna stick around a bunch of Dudley Do-Nothings. So I snuck out through the bathroom window, and went down the street to an upscale lesbian bar called The Pant Suit. (Excuse me, "lesbian" is mean. We'll call them "women who wear comfortable shoes" instead).

And let me just tell you, there were some fine ass butches in there. God, one woman was so macho, she told me she buys underwear with Y-front holes so she can pee standing up. Intense, right?
So we're talking for a while, me and her. Then, after some shots and a few lies later, we were back at her place. I don't think I need to tell you what happened next. Let's just say the "head of state" was inserted into the "oval office", if ya get ma drift.

Nick Olds: WHAT A JERK

Last night, I got into a fight with my "friend" Nick Olds. I'll set the scene for you: there we were, making out the whole day on my couch, watching the Kiss: Behind The Music. Then he says, "Hey, I gotta go to a party. I'll call you sometime."
So I said, "WTF?!" And before I could say anything else, he turned around and punched me right in the balls!
When I came to, I was laying on my floor massaging my groin and a broken heart. I was missing him already. I got my first taste of physical abuse and I think I liked it. I wonder if I'm into that now...

Missed the Grammys: Feel so Down, I got the Browns

Don't anyone tell me about the Grammys! I taped them tonight because I had to work overtime at my new job. I just got promoted to Head Toilet Cleaner of the Rectal Disease Unit at the local hospital.
The pay's great, but the work is crap.

I'm Fluent in Bum (Feeling Good and Making Friends)

Today, a homeless man (for PC purposes, let's call him "shelter-impaired") wandered around my cage all day until I finally called him over. I asked him what he was doing and then, next thing I knew, we were hitting it off. Apparently his favorite books are The Art of Hair Frosting, Learn How to Play Acoustic Guitar Well Enough to Impress Women, Lying Makes You Look Better, and I Like Having Sex. Those are totally my faves too! We were having a great time!
But, as the day went on, I started to think about something: I was totally comfortable talking to this guy, and I think it's because he was less attractive than me. I know, I know, that sounds bad. But it's true- I was full of confidence because there was nothing desirable about him.
So, the lesson learned is this: when you first meet someone, don't get intimidated by what they look like. Just find something about them that looks like a disability or a deformity, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself and maybe earn a friend for life!

Jammin' with Fuzzy Navel and the SAGs

Last night, a girl friend of mine wanted to get into the mood for the Grammys tomorrow. So she came by the cage to watch a replay of the SAG awards. Well, just as always, it was a night of stars and everyone looked fabulous! Especially the cast members of Lost (who are apparently trying to earn a prize for their perfect attendance at award shows).

But anyway, there we were, watching, and she says, "Can I take a sip of your fuzzy navel?"

I thought for a second- "Well, that's bold of her to ask. But, I mean, I can't say I haven't thought about her like that."

So I got up quietly, stood in front of her, and unzipped my pants. Then, as if she'd seen a ghost, she screamed bloody murder and bolted out of the cage. I'd never been so embarassed.

That's when I realized: she just wanted a sip of my wine cooler.
Pandas have fur on their bellies people, you've got to be more specific!

Living Happy Like the Stars (Finding Friends in Celebrities)

This afternoon, all I did was lay around the cage in my sweatpants (me and the girls drank waaaaay too many Appletinis last night!!) But anyway, I watched She's All That again today, and I started to think: I could never be friends with Freddie Prinze Jr. Likeable as he is, we're just, like, too different. Because, ya see, the way I judge my celebrities is whether or not we could be friends in real life. And I don't think me and Freddie would hit it off.

Sarah Michelle Gellar's another one: I couldn't be friends with her because we have a love-hate relationship. Loved her in Buffy, hated her in Scooby.

Now, Landon from Real World/Road Rules Challenge: we'd be friends for life!

If Tony Danza Were My Dad (Day 4)

I finally talked to her today. I asked her why she broke up with me. She said that she wants someone that'll treat her right and be there for her (Translation = someone less attractive that will pad her ego and won't cheat). Then she went on to say that she's looking for someone who's more mature (dull).

But, that's not the worst of it. The last thing she said to me was that this would've never happened if Tony Danza were my dad, "because then I'd know how to take care of a woman." What-ever

Break-Up Day 3, Can't Sleep

Its been 3 days since Ive heard from my "ex"-online girlfriend, who we'll now call Satan Skank. And, to make things worse, the teenage Zebra next door has gotten rowdy lately. He's been staying up to all hours, and, last night he kept me up till 5am! All I could hear was the sound of loud music coupled with the smell of cheap cologne and urine. It was like thursday night at a college bar- and not a good thursday night either (I swear I heard him singing the Dawson's Creek theme song).
'sigh', That song makes me think of her.....

Ya know, I still go to her picture blog sometimes. www.afantasynews.blogspot.com

U.R. Dumped (Day 2)

It's day 2 of the break-up with my online girlfriend. I just wanna talk to her, but she won't return my IMs. I've looked everywhere for her too- the Tiger Beat online chatroom, the Orlando Bloom fanclub message board...everywhere.
I wonder if it's cause I told her I dated a man. (Haha, the joke was on him though- he didn't even know I wasn't gay!)

I found True Love in a Bottle

This was such a long weekend. All I did was lay around the cage cause I’m so stressed out right now. My online girlfriend broke up with me today and it’s getting really difficult to keep up my Diet Cherry-Vanilla Coke addiction. I am lost. I feel like an aimless guitar solo somewhere in the nether regions of a Phish jam.

A Rocky Road to our Favorite Songs

Last night in the cage, a friend and I were chatting about our favorite songs over a big bowl of Rocky Road ice cream (I totally did an extra hour of Tae Bo the next day!!). Her favorite song of all time is Billy Idol's "White Wedding", because she's always dreamed of having a white wedding. My favorite song is Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?", because my parents played it when I was circumsized.
Oh by the way, I want you all to know that I got the part of lead break-dancer in Hip- Hop: The Musical!
Looks like all that jazz-dance training really paid off! I'm totally gonna drink wine coolers tonight!!!

MySpace (The First Date)

Sitting around the cage last night, I got to thinking:
I want to meet someone on MySpace. That way I know it won’t be just anybody. I’ll have seen what they look like and what they’re into.
After that, I hope our relationship will blossom through Instant Messenger. So that, next thing you know, we’re sending each other e-holiday cards and online gift certificates. Downloading each other’s files, “Cybering”. Maybe even start IMing each other’s friends and family- so we can really get to know them, ya know.
Then, that day will come- when I link her to a picture of me down on one knee, and pop the question.
We’ll send e-vites to all our closest, so that they may be a part of our grand Chat Room marriage. Where we’ll be wed by an IM Justice of the Peace.

Waiting a Lifetime for My Crush

Last night, I was watching a Lifetime original movie with a friend. Then my crush came by (I was so excited).
Right as she walked in the door, she said "Mmm, it smells like flowers in here." But then my friend said, "Ya, that's cause he did something smelly before you got here. He sprays that all the time!"
I was so embarrassed. Then, quick as a Wheaties Olympian, my crush ran away.

Lesson: Never trust anyone you haven't been intimate with.

I.M. Bitter

Don't you just hate it when your "friends" sign online and don't respond to you? It's like, who do you think you are, man? What are you even doing online if you don’t wanna talk?? What-ever, dude. You’ve changed.

Buddy list: DELETE

Nightmares Do Come True

I was lying around the cage tonight, watching tv, so I flipped on the WB for "One Tree Hill" (like always). But during a commercial, I turned on the UPN, and to my horror, I saw my fave new show "South Beach" on!!

It's like, what sort of God would put One Tree Hill and South Beach on at the same time?!?!?! Ugh, God I need a frozen yogurt

To Walk a Night in a Woman's Shoes

Last night I got bored, so I decided to eat some of my mother's estrogen hormone pills. I didn't feel anything for a while, then all of a sudden, I had this overwhelming urge to find shoes to match my dress and listen to Alanis Morrissette. But, pretty soon after that, I had an estrogen-induced awakening...

Men are only good for 3 things: Affection when we want it, Comic relief, and Guilty pleasures. Haaaay

Last Night I Discovered the Truth

I discovered something last night: if somebody feels the need to have to justify hooking up with someone, it's usually the opposite of what they say.
For instance, if a guy says, "Oh she wasn't that bad," or a woman says, "I don't normally do stuff like this", it's usually a lie.

My Weekend Date

This weekend, I went mini-golfing on a date. We were hitting it off really well, so after a couple sundae cones and some lies later, we ended up back at my place. So things were moving along quickly, and then all of a sudden, she just got up and left. Hookers are so picky these days.

Tonight's Lesson

A "friend" of mine came by the cage tonight, and I learned a valuable lesson: When cuddling, always lay next to and not on top of your partner. Because there's a difference between snuggling and pinning someone down so they can't run away.

A Hit New Show

Watching network tv last night, I thought of an idea for a new show:
It takes place in Manhattan and stars a group of single men and women that meet randomly every week. It's called "People Have Sex in New York Sometimes and This is How it Happens".
I think it's gonna be a hit. And when it is, I'll see y'all at the Cable Ace Awards!

Cosmo's Got Nothin on Men

I was reading Cosmo today, and this story about "100 Ways to Please Your Man" caught my eye. I thought it was odd, because it seems to me- having a set of male genitalia- there are only 5 ways to please a man:
1) Tell him about your day and tell him your feelings (secret: Your man wants to hear about all your problems)

2) Give him directions for everything, even if he doesn't ask (secret: Men love being told what to do and how to do them)

3) Take him shopping with you (secret: If your man likes you, he'll like watching you try on clothes too)

4) After your man just bought you stuff, cuddle with him until you fall asleep (secret: Your man loves buying you things and expects nothing in return, not even sex)

5) Openly discuss your past relationships every chance you get (secret: Your man wants to hear all about your ex-lovers)

So there you have it, 5 ways to please your man. Thank me later, girls!!

Dancing With Ourselfs

Last night, me and some of my single friends got wasted. I had, like, 4 Zimas and I was gone.
Then we danced to Billy Idol and played Never Have I Ever, till we passed out.

Express Yourself (With Your Body)

A friend of mine got her eyebrow pierced today, because "she wanted to put something on her to say something about herself."
I said to her, "That's kind of why I have this big belly- I put it on to say that I don't like exercising."

Chill Out with My Ex

I was just sitting around the cage today, listening to my Starbuck's chill mix cd sampler... then my ex called. Sometimes I swear it'd be easier being gay- I could just play the female's role (at least I'd get free dinners!).
Who knows, maybe I could settle down with a nice man, or a confused latino boy, or something.

St. Elmo's Fire (My Perfect Man)

Today some friends came by the cage and we watched the movie, St.Elmo's Fire. We've all seen it, like, a million times, but this time I realized something: I found my perfect man.

Emilio Estevez's spirit and ambition + Rob Lowe's looks and attitude + Judd Nelson's morals and maturity = My Perfect Man!

I had a Dream, A Scary One

Last night I had a bad dream and woke up crying. Then I realized I'd fallen
asleep listening to my Tori Amos cd again.

Also, I'd just like to say to all of you who think it's funny to comment on my live e-journal: Grow Up

Whatever Happened to my Teenage Faves?

I'm watching figure skating (again!!!) and wondering if it'll take a global benefit concert to bring N'Sync back together. Many sleepless nights spent dancing around the cage to Bye, Bye, Bye.

My Self-Worth, in dollars

While walking around the cage today, I overheard the zoo keeper say I'm worth $300 million. Then why do I feel like 10 cents?
Also, I'd like to ask those taking pictures of me to cool it when I'm bathing. I realize that I live 24/7 in the public eye, but a man's gotta scrub his privates in private.

My Mating Season (sigh)

I just found out that my mating season only comes once a year and lasts for 3 days. Females are so independent these days.